Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
How dramatic are you?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
bro what is going on at twitter
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.