Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
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Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Not all heroes wear capes…
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”