I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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What?!?
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
181.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”