I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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I hope it’s French Onion!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
ATMs should have breathalyzers
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Why is this me 😫
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.