what’s the point then??
You Might Also Like
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
went fishing caught a bass
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!