Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….