You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened