Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
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Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
These are my roll models.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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