In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
it’s either covid or clever vampires
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*