Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Google assistant rules
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.