Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Can’t, holding a grudge
In space, no one can hear…
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.