sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
You Might Also Like
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Seems kinda suspicious
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”