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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer