*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m not stressed
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.