Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.