Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
You know I’m something of a chef myself
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
All is fair in drunk and war.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.