I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.