Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
You Might Also Like
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.