I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
mariah carrie
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies