[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”