Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
You Might Also Like
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable