The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
when dads have a rap battle
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top