My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
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If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.