My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
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Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!