KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.