Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Every. Damn. Time.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it