mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
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I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
termite twitter scares me
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.