When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
This could’ve been an email.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies