Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
the best thing i’ve ever made
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Welcome to the stomach
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”