I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.