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Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Stop.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces