*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
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If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!