I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
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*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Worth remembering.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.