If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
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I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Many hands make light work
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.