Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.