i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.