If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend