I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
oh you like architecture? name three walls
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this