Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens