My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note