[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Great Canadian literature.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.