do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Investing in beetcoin
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.