Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
*orders delivery*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.