I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
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I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park