I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
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*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Lube but for my dry humor.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.