Canada has crack?
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Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof