According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Netflix and you sit over there.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared