Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
love pickles so much i put myself in one
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones