I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
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Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
new wife guy just dropped
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753