Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.